Tuesday, September 1

How to Succeed at Blogging Without Really Trying

I recently decided I would like to be a famous blogger. I think I would love the fame and the life of leisure that comes with a blog that turns a profit. Unfortunately, while the temptation of monetizing my blog is great, I don't quite think I have a big enough following to make any money. By my calculations, I have 26 readers on google and 12 followers on blogger. There are maybe 10 people who are ghost readers and follow me secretly... all in all that probably will earn me about zero dollars. Probably not worth cluttering my blog with ads.

In light of my relatively small readership, I decided that I am probably not going to be a famous blogger and that I will have to settle for making Finley into a youtube star. While I may only be an amateur blog writer, I consider myself an expert blog reader. And in case you were wondering, I'm about to tell you how to catapult yourself into the outer strata of the blogsphere. So here we go.

1. Have an interesting life. One of the keys to having a big following is having a life that people want to read about. Maybe you live on a ranch, or have quadruplets, or maybe you score off the charts for voice in your writing. Perhaps you bake like an angel or found a clever niche to write about. Unfortunately, my life does not produce the fodder for an exceptional blog. I'm just a mom of a relatively adorable child who teaches and runs and has a dog. And loves Jesus. Probably not going to entice the masses to read. But that's ok.

2. Use lots of hyperlinks. Oh man. Is there anything better than a blog with hyperlinks? Every time I see those pretty hyperlinks I am overjoyed because I know I am about to venture into a new realm of the glorious internet. Today I told Victoria that I always thought cleaning the litter box was like going on a treasure hunt. Which means that hyperlinks are the cat pee in the litter box of the internet.

3. Make outlandish statements. See statement about cat pee above. Outlandish statements make people chuckle or say "that girl is nuts". Either way, they might read your blog again because you are ridiculous.

4. Write in all caps. Using capital letters lets your readers know that a word should have special emphasis, or that you are really proud of your ability to spell said word. For example, I REALLY miss my friends in Boston, but its great making NEW friends here! See? You are intrigued.

5. Strike out text. This is a subtle way of letting your readers know your ability to use html code witty thoughts you weren't sure you wanted to say.

6. Write like you are actually know your readers. This one's a doozy. You should occasionally address your audience. For example... Y'all, my baby is too cute for words. Or... I love this cool weather we're having, don't you agree? In my case, I DO know my readers so at least this is authentic. However, I have NEVER said "y'all" in real life. But it sounded good.

7. Invite guest bloggers. Really, all the cool blogs do it! I inadvertently had a guest blogger... I meant for him to be a co-contributor, but my poor husband barely remembers to check my blog. I can't really expect him to post much, even though his blogging debut was one of the most popular.

8. Have a giveaway. Again, all the cool blogs do it! And since my blog doesn't turn a profit I can't give away anything worth much. So welcome to my first giveaway! I am giving away... one free piece of blogging advice! Or advice on something else if you don't blog. All you have to do is post a comment below and I will randomly select a winner! Now, because I average about three comments per post, a simple dice roll will select the winner. Advice will be given in a subsequent blog post. (See what the giveaway does? It makes people leave comments which makes your blog appear more popular! And it makes people keep coming back for more... And it gives you a topic for another blog post! This one's a guaranteed winner!)

9. Give out advice. Like I said above, advice is popular in blogs. I think I am only qualified to dispense advice about math and how to run a slightly faster than average marathon. And how to raise a child to the age of four and a half months.

10. Use words that have at least three syllables. I did a good job of that on this post. And if you can't think of a three syllable word, at least use one that you'd find on the SAT every so often.

11. Include pictures. I'm pretty good at this one--because I have a baby. Pictures are good because then even your illiterate readers can enjoy your blog.

See what I did there? I combined two things--it's a picture and it's outlandish! I bet you didn't expect an out of focus picture of me where I look like my neck was broken! Most popular blog EVER!

Now go forth and blog. And don't forget to comment to win a piece of advice!


  1. Brilliant. Saving THIS post in my fav-or-ites so that I can make it big. Because I do have a chance at the big time. See my blog www.victoriaINvirginia.com.

  2. Shameless blog promotion, Victoria... I like it.

  3. Rachel - you are hilarious! Seriously. I laugh out loud almost every time I read your blog. You're well on your way to blog stardom.

  4. I don't have a blog and am subsequently (four syllables) afraid of what advice you might offer me.

  5. i agree with courtney - i don't know that i need blogging advice. maybe i could make a blog and name it like "blogless in the OP," but then i'd have a blog, so i don't know what to do.

  6. I have thought about blogging but have come to realize I lack an interesting life--just because I am having a baby doesn't make things interesting (unless the baby turns out to be a penguin or asian).

  7. this is a popular topic in the blogging world today...you, tara, and tina @ http://carrotsncake.com/ from boston.

  8. great entry - I keep coming back because they're so fun to read! happy blogging!

  9. This was the most thorough analysis of blogs that I have ever read. And I love the gimmicks that you have noted on how to write an impressive and popular blog. The picture was the most impressive piece of that equation. I think that a math blog is underrated. Why not?
    It could be your alternate blog... random selection process of blog gimmicks included in each blog...the circumference of a worm poop. Or the probability of sightings of Michael Jackson...or the smallest piece you can divide a chocolate chip into...the possibilities!

  10. This is hilar! Thanks for the laugh!!!!

  11. you. are. hilarious!! i'll continue to feel bad about not incorporating these gems in my blog more often. ;)


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